Open Letter to the The Thing Living In My Stomach

You know when you meet that "special someone?" They make you laugh over the silliest things because of just the WAY they tell their stories (it could be some story about getting a Diet Coke instead a Coke at Burger King, and suddenly it's funny just because of the WAY they told it!). They're interested in being with you just because you ARE who you are - you don't have to DO anything special or change who you are. You just BE, and that's pretty great for them. Some people say you just know - you just KNOW IT the moment that you meet them and from that moment on, no matter how hard it gets sometimes, you know that you want to be with them for the rest of your life.

I think that you, Thing Living In My Stomach, think that I am YOUR "Special Someone." On Friday, Sept. 1, you were out and about...doing your own, single Stomach Bug thing, and you spotted me. Clearly, I'm already taken (have you no eyes on your big Stomach Bug head? I have a ring on and everything?!) Maybe I was laughing the way I do, which at times CAN be cute, I've heard. Maybe you saw me making fart noises on Matthew's chest (Robert's nephew) and found that somehow attractive? (You would.) Or maybe I was slurping up salad noodles at Oodles and that disgusting noise did it for you. Whatever it was, you fell for me, and you fell hard, didn't you?

Well, I have news for you. I'm not in love with you, Thing Living In My Stomach. I don't want to continue this thing we have going. I don't feel the same way for you that you do for me. My stomach never went flip flop for you the way yours does for me until YOU MADE it go flip flop for you, and listen...no Stomach Bug wants a girl for whom he has to MAKE her stomach go flip flop. You deserve better than that! Somewhere out there is a girl who will get butterflies in her stomach just because she thinks you're great! Not because you've attached yourself to her the walls of her intestines and won't let go!

Now please, if you ever loved me at all, you'll get the hell out of my stomach. The past three days, all I've had to eat is 19 tortilla chips, 11 tater tots and a small sloppy joe, two bananas, and bowl of rice; and whatever I had the three days before that didn't much matter now, did it? You've let the bowl of rice and a banana stay with me today, but I can tell it's not going to last. I need to you pack your bags and get out, right now. You've become abusive, and I'm not gonna take it anymore. I never did love you, and that's just the truth, Thing Living in My Stomach.

I'm sorry you had to hear it this way, but it's better coming from me than from my friend Dr. George Barnett. He wouldn't have been so nice. He would have killed you altogether.

-and still will if you don't get out by end of the weekend. :-)

Regrets,

Management of the Body You're In Love with but Destroying.