Now, I'm still an outsider. I'm a "has-been" that walked away. People in the church don't / can't / won't get that. So what does that mean for me? I don't know. Do you have any clues? I've actually toyed with the idea of putting together a "clearness committee", a group of close friends and counselors who will help me hear and discern the will of God. Can you hear the frustration in my voice? I don't know what to do, where to go, or how to get there. These are difficult days. I wish I could sound a little more victorious, but when it comes to investing my life and utilizing my gifts, well, I'm at a loss.
A friend of mine wrote this to me the other day. He used to be a senior pastor but isn't anymore. Just recently he started trying to get back into it (apparently, things aren't going so well). He's an amazing senior pastor, too. It will be a sadness for the church, if he doesn't end up somewhere.
I haven't written him back yet because I honestly don't know what to say. I feel a lot of the same frustration he does and so, what do I say besides, "Yeah, I understand." (That much goes understood between us). I don't know why yet, but for some reason his entire email reminds me of this song by derek webb, called Nothing is Ever Enough. Maybe it's because you'd have to know the whole story about why he left the pastorate in the first place, but the "she" in this song makes me think of the church and how she can be so beautiful at her best, and because SHE is only made up of WE, really ugly at the same time. And because of that, sometimes she can't see past the changes a person has made and the enormous contribution a person still has to contribute to the community.
she’s not real,
she’s the spokes on a wheel
but the way she moves will take you where you wanna go
and you’re the one that she steals from
but if not you she’s gonna find somebody else
‘cause nothing is ever enough
and you love her but you know you’ve got to leave her
‘cause she’s leaving you with no way out
she’s a jewel in the nose of a fool
she’s beautiful but she don’t know who she is
and you’re a wreck because you suspect
that she’ll never be who she was years ago
‘cause nothing is ever enough
maybe you don’t see it
but she’s waiting everywhere
you’re gonna go
in the faces of the people who look at you
like someone that they know
2 comments:
* Some reading this might say that I took that song way out of context, but I remember reading an interview with Derek where he said that song WAS about the church and how he explained it sort of fit the tone of this email from this friend. Just FYI.
I think it may be wise to let this pastor in on a secret that isn't so secret--as your song proclaims--he isn't the only one frustrated about the church. Maybe a better question would be why are so many people feeling the same frustrations as he. Why is it that the church struggles in allowing people to be who they are with authenticity and vulnerability? It may have nothing to do with him not knowing God's will, and everything to do with the church just not knowing what to do with its people. I think the church, as a whole, becomes a kingdom to rule for a lot of people and therefore those who have no power in other pieces of the world, express that desire for control in the church. They rule it with an iron fist and very little grace and authenticity. Your pastor friend is not the only one who feels like he may just not be getting it. But I don't know that there is a lot to say to him to provide comfort or wisdom. That's my thoughts.
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